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January 23, 2008
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REASONS TO BE A CARNIVOR

Before I receive any angry comments I would like to point out that this is only a spoof of the many Vegetarian websites on the internet. It is not meant to be taken seriously. Honest.

And to those of you who think I am a heartless sadistic animal-abuser – yes, you are right.


ENVIROMENT

1. Vast acres of forests are cleared every year for cattle grazing. This land could be used to grow plants, which would feed far more people than animals. The solution is clear – get rid of the perpetrators. Eat the cattle.

2. Many endangered species (such as wolves) are shot for eating livestock. Remove temptation for them. Eat farm animals.

3. Cow farts are one of the major causes of climate change. Take revenge. It’s your right.

4. Large carnivorous have been driven to the brink of extinction. If we do not eat the herbivores they will die a slow painful death due to starvation.

5. Being a vegetarian does not reduce air pollution. Eat like a cow, fart like a cow.

6. In some cases vegetarianism can actually cause air pollution – mostly people going into long elaborate reasons as to why they are vegetarians.

7. Vegetarians are often healthier than meat-eaters. They find it easier to walk. This is damaging to the environment, because if we all followed this example our cars would be left redundant and going mouldy.


HEALTH

8. Vegetarians live longer. Hospitals are filled with elderly patients caught in the middle of euthanasia debates. Eat meat and die sooner. Who wants to live to be over 100 anyway?

9. Meat-filled diets are needed for large brains. Carnivorous animals often work in packs, using their co-operation to bring down prey much larger than they are. Sheep are stupid.

10. Carnivorous animals are often well-muscled, sleek, powerful and fierce. Cows are not.

11. Gonads are parts of the animal that are very rarely eaten. Grapes, as any biology student knows, are basically giant ovaries. Same difference.

12. Women are more likely to lose iron due to their menstrual cycles. Eating meat will fix this far more quickly than spinach.

13. Young people (especially girls) can be prone to anorexia. Broccoli will not help them gain weight as much as beef will.

14. Blood makes you randy (and I can safely confirm this). Eat meat for the survival of our species.

15. Vegetarians spend more time defending their diets than eating it. This causes stress. Chill out and eat KFC.

16. ‘Diabeetus’ – isn’t fresh fruit chock-full of sugar anyway?

17. Alcohol is made from fermented grains, and occasionally fruits. Drink-driving accidents were never caused by being drunk on lamb cutlets.

18. “Plant-rich diets taste good.” No they don’t.

19. There is very little fat in plants. Fat deposits in the body act as insulators. Eating meat can help prevent hypothermia.

20. Food poisoning is almost always caused by meat. Violent vomiting and diarrhoea can help you lose all the weight you put on eating meat in the first place.

21. There are many poisonous plants out there (Deadly nightshade, deathcap, toadstools etc. ) which are not always easy to identify. Poisonous animals are easier to identify. They bite you before you bite them.


ETHICS

22. Blood Donors need more iron in their blood. Iron is found and absorbed more easily in meat. You wouldn’t deny a leukaemia victim a chance at life would you?

23. Vegetarians have lower incidence of diabetes, kidney disease and gallstones. If everyone became vegetarian doctors would start to lose their livelihoods.

24. Animals feel pain and are often slaughter in a cruel manner. Make sure they didn’t die for nothing. Eat them.

25. Vegetarians are calmer and often more spiritual than meat-eaters. This will be of no good if we are ever invaded.

26. The vast majority of illegal drugs come from plants. Very few people have become high due to smoked pork.

27. Plants contain fibre. Fibre is non-existent in meat. Do not under any circumstances try to eat more fibre. The world is full of enough shit as it is. Most of which is written by NotedStrangePerson.

28. Animals are God’s creations. He created them so we may have something to eat.

29. It is claimed that meat-eaters smell bad. This is often stated by vegetarians who forget that their food was grown in shit.

30. Hindus believe cows are sacred because they provide us with milk, help us pull ploughs and fertilize the fields. Show your appreciation by helping them onto the next stage of reincarnation.

31. People will not mistake you for a hippy. Hopefully.

32. Ketchup/blood – they looks pretty much the same anyway.

33. An over-consumption of vegetables means that animals are left to starve. By eating them you are stopping the suffering caused by careless vegetarians.

34. Animals killed by people often suffer extreme pain due to improper slaughtering procedures. This means nothing when you consider many predators start eating their prey when it’s still alive.

35. Your kids won’t hate you because you didn’t let them eat at Burger King like normal brats.

36. People in Africa are not starving because Americans eat too much meat. They are starving because they are uneducated and live under dictatorships (EEK! Politics!)
Think of any others?

UPDATE:

Apparently there are over 600 types of carnivorous plants. Their diets mostly consist of insects, but can also include frogs, lizards and small monkeys.
Small monkeys - how big do these things get?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconultimatenick37:
Ultimatenick37 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
Vegetarians shit more. They need toiler paper to wipe. You need trees to make toilet paper. Less trees = less oxygen. They caused global warming.
Reply
:iconpinkfloyd226:
pinkfloyd226 Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2011
trololol. lol@all the meatfags who actually feel some sort of "patriotism" over this though. You realize the author's purposely using moronic/lulzy arguments in this for the sake of lulz right? This is like listening to the AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! song and legitimately feeling patriotic towards your country. lolololol. lulzy article though.
Reply
:iconrip1191:
Rip1191 Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Brilliant.
Reply
:icongamblelover:
GambleLover Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is brutally awesome =D

Here's another real fact:
''Soy and soy products contain one specific chemical that has similar effect like estrogen. If a male eats too much soy he is in danger of, like every good tranny knows, becoming a woman, growth of breasts included!
Reply
:iconpigirl13:
PiGirl13 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
As a vegan, I find this hilarious. Especially 32. Blood, ketchup, whatever. (Although some people actually use argument 28 seriously. :no:)
Reply
:iconclockworkcat:
clockworkcat Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2011  Professional Filmographer
I loves me some meat.
Reply
:iconkitsune7ryuk:
Kitsune7Ryuk Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011
Damn this text is so right! :D
Reply
:iconungtblod:
ungtblod Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2010
lol
Reply
:iconainrana:
Ainrana Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Death to cows!
'Specially this one: ---> :iconainrana:
Reply
:iconkuwaizair:
Kuwaizair Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2010
i like expensive forgin fruits, like cherimoyas
Reply
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